bexstasy's Journal

10:54pm: mi medianaranja
i am totally in love with barcelona. i´ve never come to a place and immediately fallen for it the way i have with this fine fine city. man. if it weren´t for the fact that i am madly home- friend- & girlfriend-sick, i would definitely unpack my bags. its too bad i came here after halloween, cause i got a great idea for a costume today! i´m really excited about it, even though i have wait til next year to bust it out.
i´m feeling really emotional today. well, first i got super lost and cried a lot because being lost is my least favorite state, by far. and then i cried when i read my email. because i love my friends. i guess i really miss bard, kind of. (just my buds, to be clear here. there is no chance i´m hopping back on that hamster wheel of neverending dissatisfaction!) no. but i miss school life or something. or more, having a tight circle of friends around. and i keep finding myself daydreaming about fall. which i guess is over by now anyway, since it just snowed like 3 inches in the hometown. hope everyone is well-bundled.

11:12pm: procrastination station
man, i forgot how it is imPOSSible to lead a normal life under the paranoia-provoking circumstances of Assassin. i can't work, i can't walk, i can't answer the phone, i can't leave my door open, i can't take showers, i can't open the windows, i can't pull up the shades, i can't go anywhere without a gun, and i can't be in public places. i am stuck in a real life video game! whether this is good or bad, i do not know. but i do know that so far, i am an all star super soaker bandit.

30 days til freedom. summer is a'comin.

8:25pm: "try to make movements as big as possible when appropriate"
why did this have to be the worst day ever? everything was going so well. and then i had to bomb my song, again.

my grandmother sent me a new "thought of the day" today: In the pot of life, if you want to keep cooking, you have to keep stirring.
that's such geriatric mentality. but true even if it is a cliche catch phrase. i wonder where she gets these from, is she on like a senior citizen e-group?

even if i go to spain i'm still going to be a god damn failure. this sucks. i wish i could just evacuate my body and be a rock (to clarify: NOT A WOLF)for the rest of my life or something. ew.

4:59pm: eww is this true??

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

5:36pm: yesss
i just wanted to say that i have REDISCOVERED PASSION. i finally like stuff again.

11:51pm: To the Bard Community:

The campus has been experiencing a number of sightings of sick and
possibly rabid skunks. To date we have dealt with three.

Rabies is spread through secretions (blood and saliva). DO NOT PET THE SKUNKS!

The various stages of this devastating disease include an aggressive stage in which the animal will attack anyone or anything near it. In the latter stage, the sick animal seems drunk, staggering and confused. Please do not attempt to help skunks or any other animal that looks distressed. Call the emergency number 7777 immediately. Security will contact animal control. You will notice that a usually nocturnal animal
is wondering around during daylight.

If you have a pet dog or cat, be aware that it may have come into
contact with an infected animal. The fur may be contaminated on your pet. If you have children, warn them not to appraoch any animal.

I need all resident students to keep dorm doors shut. Door propping will allow the four legged bad guys in, creating a difficult situation for residents. And yes, there are two legged bad guys as well. Both are smelly and dangerous.

If you have come into contact with an animal you feel is suffering from this disease, please contact health services immediately or call security at 7777.

Remember, the Werewolf of London was loosely based on a rabies attack at Cambridge, and there is a full moon coming.

Keep safe,
Ken Cooper
Director of Safety and Secuity

5:08am: nobody's invincible
i thought all nighters were supposed to be fun. so cracked out.

10:16am: where are the homos in my life???

4:45pm: really?

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

6:41pm: the dangerous thing about working at an ice cream store is the art of emotional blockage everyone there has to perfect in order to be a consistently pleasant employee and i think i'm getting good at it, noooobody pissed me off today! shit this totally sucks because that's such a problematic talent in the long run. thank god it's my last week. okay so now summer's ending, i need to get better at something like i promised myself i would. how about NOT being good at that. next week should be 1. provincetown 2. museums 3. bike rides 4. sports!!! 5. arts and crafts 6. absolutely no ice cream products or stores in sight.

2:44am: what does it take to get a flier in this town?!
july 4th ruled. here's a summary (the highlights) of what happened:

1. beach/sun/ice cream/gay people-watching

2. running into two nice (straight edge?)kids from bard, watching the fireworks, and amanda and i slowly getting drunk in front of them.

3. swimming out to a boat in the harbor in our underwear, discovering the following: a)a secret compartment room with a bed that doubled as a bathroom b) a stereo with a brian eno tape and a reggae cd in it c) free tostitos d) soggy cigarettes which we tried desperately to light and e) an unopened pack of trojans.

4. wading back to shore only to realize that some hooligans had stolen all of amanda's clothes while we were in the water.

5. luckily finding a crumpled up sandy muscle tank that said "bombshelter inn" behind a log for amanda to cover herself up with so we could continue the night.

6. meeting six random cape cod teenagers, handing over the reset of our bacardi to them out of drunken generosity and playing never have i ever with them on the beach, finding that they were more sexually experienced than possibly the two of us combined, which is to say, bored subarbanites.


yesterday was also fun. we somehow got into this lesbian bar called Chaser's (followed some hot girl there), ordered Corona's, and spotted kara from v for vendetta (!!) coincidentally i had my mr. lady bag with me (a token sign a queeerdom which amanda and i (ab)used to make up for our femme handicap -- hence the title of this post -- no one thought we were gay and rarely approached us about gay events) and she commented on it. so we got to talking with her about the lame gay male-dominated ptown scene (she called them the 'tittieboys' because of the swarms of topless faggy body builders all around town) and how she dreamed of hosting a queer electro night (wooah how rad would that be?). i told her i'd bring all my friends if she did that.



p.s. happy birthday wes!

12:12pm: wooooord, i got the night off of work. everyone go to man ray, it's 'mo night!

5:36pm: Greetings Becca --

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, June 18:

Abandon a stagnant pond in search of fresh water. This is a fine moment to change location, whether physically or metaphorically. Dissatisfaction is a better motivator than complacency.

oh so true. i love these analogies. i guess i'll be getting some exercise today, switching ponds and all.

p.s. who knows where gravy train is playing on friday? and when is glass candy coming to Start?

9:19pm: i am a nonstop ice cream-scooping machine. i've only been working for a week and a half and i am sooo sick of this job because it takes over my whole life and gives me an excessive amount of muscle in one- arm-only. also, my one track mind needs to veer off on to another path so that i don't become a bitter, hardened old lesbian. which would truly be a shame, i think. this calls for action + distraction!

i just watched American Junior, the new (and excellent, i might add) reality show to find pre-teen superstars. it totally makes me hate myself because i wasn't a precocious multi-talented 11 year old with the ability to perform the theme song from Mulan on national television. if only i was given the opportunity! no not really, but GOD i love america.

1:03pm: i am totally not going to write in this anymore.

4:09am: i switched into a dif first year seminar so i have fridays off. so i went to new paltz today to a record store and found nomy lamm's cd! haha. it was only five bills, but i listened to it before i got it, and i have to say, it was pretty horrendous. i feel bad not having bought it/liked it, because i love nomy and i want to support her, but... i guess i had to draw the line somewhere. anyway, tonight i drank, hung around aimlessly, ate pizza, went to the diner, and played therapist. apparently i am the most likely to have healthy kids, and that decision was based mostly on the fact that i have gays for parents and i came out alright.

10:59pm: aaall i want to do is not go back to school. if i could stay home, watch mtv all day, and practice guitar, but this time get a job on top of it all, for the rest of the year, i would be in heaven. college just makes me feel lonely. i'm going to miss my mamies and my friends from home and just general comfort and 24/7 company. daaamn.

12:07pm: i hung out with jane last night and we went out to dinner and then came back home to watch High School Reunion. god, i hope i'm not that immature 10 years after graduating. tons of drama on that show. then we watched Armageddon, a great movie in our opinion.

i started reading valencia the other day. she talks mostly about girls, which is basically just like having a conversation with my friends. speaking of girls, let's talk about christina aguilera. i have her new album. i love her and out of nowhere she's become a total feminist. read this:

So- What am I not supposed to say what I'm saying
Are you offended with the message I'm bringin'
Call me whatever cause your words don't mean a thing
Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing
If you look back in history it;s a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore
I don't understand why its OK,
The guy can get away with it the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change
And start a new beginning for us, everybody sang

and the chorus goes,
This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
So what do we do girls, shout out loud
Lettin em know we're gonna stand our ground
So lift your hands higher and wave em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

man. she is hot and she wrote that. plus she's naked in the insert. i don't know what i was thinking back in the days when i liked britney better.

vacation is almost over, but i have been mad productive these past few weeks, baking, playing guitar, painting my room, dancing, reading, redecorating. i want to make some phat beats and do some art before i go back to school. i think that i also get to see some more bard peeps this week too, which will be so rad. i also want to go visit maya in providence, tomorrow maybe, and go to 80's night. p.s. there's this "i love the 80's" series on VHI this week.

10:57am: too big and too sexy to get a date!
"I would like to know, which one is your ass, the front or the back?"

jenny: why'd you get kicked out of that club?
guest: because I was too sexy for myself. Big booty in the hoooowse!

daaamn, jenny.. you do your job so well. wait. i think i take that back. this is taking a turn for mega-offensive. i should've seen it coming.

today i'm off to ma granny's house for some jello and scrabble.

uh oh. a black version of fat bastard ("phat bastard") just walked out. i am outtie.

9:00pm:



WHAT "ALTERNATIVE" HOLLYWOOD STARLETTE ARE YOU?

this quiz was made by the sunni bunni bear

4:16pm: people always told me i was a tranny fag. i guess its true.

Who's your inner gay man?
brought to you by Quizilla


it must be because i sweat britney spears.

10:01am: i'm a dancer, a disco dancer
i woke up at 8 this morning and went to a ballet class. now i feel so good and accomplished and its only 10 in the AM. i kind of understand what early-risers mean when they say they like being awake before everybody else and getting shit done while most people are sleeping. and now i really know why my grandmother scowls at me every time i sleep late when i'm visiting her (she wakes up at 7 every day).

so nothing's really happened to me lately.. Group got shown here and they raffled off the soundtrack. I thought that if I tried really hard to convince myself I was going to win it, I would. But alas, i didn't.

i keep forgetting to tell anyone this: when i was home for thanksgiving break, my moms and their girlfriends and i went to cafe cantata on centre st. in JP, and while we were in there i swear i heard new meghan toohey coming from the speakers. i got my mom to ask the waiter who it was, and he never came back with the answer, but as soon as the cd ended, who walks in but ms. meghan toohey herself! i was embarassingly excited. i love her. i told my moms that there was a rock star in the room and they kept turning around really obviously and looking over. classic mom stuff.

in other news: "the humper," as i like to call her, otherwise known as lulu, the timid girl with (what i believe to be)a lesbo mom who lives across the hall from me and has sex with her giant manfriend and secretly sings along to A Chorus Line really loudly, has moved out! sucess. it was getting to be too much. although i am a little disappointed she never said goodbye...

2:06pm: p.s.
my roomate's boyfriend just came in and said to her, "I have a surprise for you..." and in walked her best friend amanda. i wish that had been MY amanda! (hint hint).

11:59am: laaaaid back
i am talking to molly taylor right now. she's back from colorado and it gets a big ol' thumbs down. but she got a gun.

anyways, its about time for me to get this day started with a little H-to-the-izzo. but first, i had to post so that i would be able to concentrate. i obviously have a mild addiction to the internet.

last night i smoked pot before i went to sleep (not by myself, i'm no druggie) and i got first, really hysterical and was laughing all over the place, and second, once i got home to my empty room, severely paranoid and convinced there was a serial killer hiding in my room. then i felt like i was on a stretcher in the sahara desert and i could see pyramids in the distance. eww am i a stoner? i decided after that experience that i will either never smoke pot before i go to sleep ever again, or if i do, i will make sure not to go home by myself, because i always freak myself out about that when i come home from a night of partying..that i'm going to have a seizure or my throat's going to close up or something.

also: friday night was beers for queers, and they imported like six lesbians from other colleges to come and make our school look gayer.

also #2: my film project is a disaster! we haven't started filming yet and its due on THURSDAY. this is not cool.

i'm going to go write a 5 page paper now.

9:24pm: there is kareoke going on right now and i'm not there
that's because all of my friends went to go see bowling for columbine (or are all missing in action) while i waited for half an hour to meet with my film group that never showed up. noooooo! and i REALLY want to do "ain't no mountain high enough" but no one's around. i hope they all come back before its too late. and there are amazingly good looking brownies there that i would like to eat.

i'm on the phone with marisa, so.. i'll stop writing now.